daniel troy carmichael

Transitions: A Year Ago Today

Captain's Log: November 30, 2006, a year ago today....

(grab a handkerchief...and you may want to read this post first)

The last look at our empty house and empty kitchen in Pleasanton. If these walls could speak, they would speak of two children born while in this home, meals and ministry, the joys and trials of half our life in California.

Looking back through the rear view mirror down the Altamont Pass into the Tri-Valley: our home since the beginning of our married life. Ashley and I graduated college a couple of months after my 21st birthday, were married two months later, and two weeks following our wedding settled in Pleasanton, following God's call to the ministry and in business. Sixteen years later, almost to the day, we were leaving on the same road that brought us there. Many memories--all the memories of our marriage--occurred while living in this valley.

Looking forward through the windscreen at the top of the Altamont Pass. Our home since we were married now behind us, the future ahead of us. Sixteen years previous, the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving, Ashley and I just married drove the U-Haul trailing our car down the opposite lane into Pleasanton. As when we came, we left following the call of God to a different land--an unplanned and unsuspected call in our life, both in the coming and in the leaving.

Today, many questions remain unanswered and we find ourselves heading into another season of great transition. We trust God.

God is good. We can never find our security in what He is doing in our life, only security in Who He Is. He is unchanging, yet unpredictable. God is good. Trust Him.

Shattered (continued): When Reconcilliation Fails

It is no fun when one party won't reconcile, that's for sure.

This post was spawned from comments on this post about shattered relationships....

As we walk through life, shattered relationships happen. It's a fact. And by the number of people who think the relationship shattered "because of the other guy", it is obvious that many of us--if not all--blame others when we ourselves are more to blame than we care to admit. A friend commented to me that, "It is no fun when one party won't reconcile, that's for sure." That is true--but it also got me to thinking.

It is possible that, when reconciliation fails to occur, both parties will see themselves as in the right and each will see the other party as “the Offender [who] may never even realize his wrongness or even care” (quoted from the aforementioned post). Furthermore, each could walk away from failed attempts at reconciliation with a clean conscience before God, both thinking the other person is the one in sin! Wow! They are both walking away with a clean conscience! Yet both hurt by the other, thinking the other is still wrong! Were they both in the right? in the wrong? Somewhere in between?

And those questions got me to thinking more: if I am concerned that the relationship did not reconcile (or hurt or offended it didn't), what does that say about my heart? And I believe I know the answer: it means that I am still harboring unforgiveness of the individual who offended me--because I am still hurt we didn't reconcile! This has caused me to seriously reevaluate my "forgiveness" of the various folks who have hurt me along life's way.

If the issue of forgiveness is properly dealt with in my heart, then the only emotion I should have welling up inside toward the other party's lack of reconciliation is for him and what he is missing, especially if he is harboring unforgiveness in his heart toward me or doesn't even recognize his wrong. Any painful emotion in my heart should come out of compassion for the individual of whom I believe is unwilling to reconcile. Pain felt on my side for remaining unreconciled should be due to the fact that we are creations of God who are remaining in broken relationship--and how sad that is for us and our witness before the world.

Lord, please help me in my heart to forgive truly and deeply so that there is no harboring of wrong in my heart. And for you, gentle reader, I pray that God gives all of us the grace to forgive and compassion for those who wrong us as well as for those who we wrong. May we have God's heart and eyes in this matter; may we be transformed by Him.

ps--as often I do, I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago though am only now posting it. Just today, however, I picked up a booklet Ashley had been given called "The Blessedness of the Unoffended". It is interesting in the context of shattered relationships because it deals with Jesus warning his closest friends to be careful not to be offended by him--the implication obvious that his friends could unwarily find themselves offended by him (see the stories of John the Baptist, Peter, and Judas).

I am planning to do a brief synopsis on this booklet at a later date; it also fits nicely with another post I wrote (but have not posted) this past summer. Maybe I'll release the two at the same time.

An unexpected fast, an unexpected fear

God has not given me a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 (dtc paraphrase)

Two Thursday's ago, as is sometimes my wont, I began what I call a "short-fast" (skip breakfast and eat a very late lunch or an early dinner); unbeknownst to me at the time, my Father had different plans for my short fast. About early afternoon, God unexpectedly started opening up my soul. This has never happened to me before and it soon became apparent that He was calling me and giving me the grace to fast much longer.

When I broke fast Tuesday night I was a different person than I was the Thursday morning before. I am appalled at the ugliness of my soul and how for so long I have been a victim of my own poor thinking and believing. In His mercy and desire to heal me and draw me closer, God showed me much, including how jealous and covetous I am. He revealed to me my soul in its bondages. He showed me how for years He has faithfully provided for me beyond what I could do in the natural. And He showed me something else.

If you read this entry you will recall that I had begun to recognize great fear in my life. During this fast God showed me how pervasive fear has been in me and how controlled by its evil I have been. I passed a sleepless night Thursday (which has happened only one time before) and was ravished by fear as I did it battle. I clung to God's promises in 2 Timothy 1:7.

And He showed me something else about this fear: it is supernatural. I have family relatives whose life experiences demonstrate to me that this unnatural fear is also generational, either part of my physiological or spiritual DNA. In the natural, I truly have little to be scared about when considered practically and pragmatically. But this fear.....ahhh, this fear is powerful and has lurked subterraneously in my life, unnoticed for years. I have now seen this unnatural fear for what it is and how it has subtly guided my destiny as the things I feared came to pass year after year.

But no more! God's mercy has held me while I was ignorant; His grace now will be at work in my life as His perfect love casts out all my fear and this demonic spirit of fear is displaced by His spirit--a spirit of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. During this fast, God also provided multiple divine conversations and experiences to demonstrate, through the principle of improbable coincidences, that He has, is, and will be working in my life. It feels like God has divinely removed blinkers from my spiritual eyes!

God is good.

Problems: They're Really Pre-Miracles

The Miracle on Ice, February 22, 1980, Lake Placid, New York

I have found myself on many occasions overcome by my "problems". There are many obvious things that I realize about my problems when they overcome me, for example:

• I'm having a pity party
• I'm not trusting God
• They are tiny in comparison to other real problems in the world
• They don't even exist when considered in light of eternity
• They're "opportunities for growth" (ugh! this saying annoys me!)

Well, I now have another way to look at them: I can only have a miracle if I have a problem. I can only have big miracles if I have big problems. So now, I am careful to (1) think twice about praying for miracles in my life when I don't have any real problems <slight grin> and (2) to give thanks to God when I experience problems because He can now reveal His glory by performing miracles for me.

So, yeah, they're no longer problems, they're pre-miracles!

PS--I wrote the above post several days ago (before posting it today) and since then God has shown me how many problems I have! <laughs>..... I always knew I had some, just not how many, how deep, and how severe. So, now, I find myself in the midst of an unexpected fast with God working on my soul and my crying out to Him for miracles. And the opportunities for pre-miracles abound as does His grace! God is GOOD...let us never forget that.

Shattered: Restoration after Relationships Fracture

Lessons from my life rebuilding broken relationships

My first truly negative experience with a Christian brother occurred nearly two decades ago while a volunteer at a Christian ranch. Since that time, there have been ample occasions that I and others in my life have provided the opportunities to walk through the process of rebuilding fractured and damaged relationships.

The most recent example is that of our relationship with our daughter; she has been gone from our home nearly 18 months to a "reform school" as a result of her fractured relationship with us. A few month older than thirteen, she is much more mature and knowledgeable of the world than her age belies. Many of my fellow parents of daughters at the school have struggled with reconciliation and this article is my attempt to describe some of what I've learned in hopes that it would not only benefit myself but others.

Since this is a lengthy posting, here is an executive summary of the process:

First, an Offense is given, followed by Forgiveness in the heart of the Offended and Repentance in the heart of the Offender. An open declaration of forgiveness by the forgiving Offended to the penitent Offender results in Reconciliation. As a result of reconciliation, the Restoration process begins, leading to a slow increase in trust over time as the Offender demonstrates sincerity and true repentance.

Now, to the details.....

As a Christian, we do not have the option of remaining in fractured, unforgiven relationships; to have an unhindered relationship with God, we must forgive and, where possible, reconcile.

To start with a common misconception, let me say that when trust has been broken, sometimes it is not possible for trust to be regained. This is not the same, however, as forgiveness, though sometimes people think forgiveness and trust are synonymous. Forgiveness is the beginning of reconciling fractured relationships and, in its various degrees and nuances, trust is an outcome of that reconciliation.

Out of my life, I give the process I have learned while being hammered out on the anvil of God's Word. I strongly encourage you to study this topic further in the Bible and pray over the rightness or wrongness of what I say.

The Process Of Restoring Fractured Relationships:

1. The first step that happens is an offense, harm, or hurt occurs. Sometimes we are wronged, other times we are the ones wronging. Most of the time, there is a combination of both. Then, to make it worse, poor communication compounds the problems. Books are written on this subject but, suffice it to say, whether justly or unjustly, someone is offended, harmed, or hurt by another. At this point, the Offended has a choice: become bitter...or better.
   
   
2. Forgiveness (Part A): (For the Offended). If the Offended decides to become bitter, they stop at Step 1. However, if he wants to honor Jesus and walk in the freedom Christ gave us, we the offended must start the process of reconciliation. This first part is a choice, in our heart, of forgiving those who have wronged us. If we are unable to forgive the offending party of their sins, God says He will not forgive our sins.
   
   Forgiveness is a choice we make. It does not mean we forget the offense or that the hurt goes away; however, by forgiving the Offender we have begun the process whereby Jesus can remove the poison of hurt and pain from our lives.
   
   
3. Repentance: (For the Offender). When we have wronged someone and recognize it, the first step toward reconciliation is repentance. Just as forgiveness (Part A) is the beginning for the Offended, this is the beginning for the Offender. You can imagine the complexities if both parties are both the offended and the offender.
   
   In this step, a heart change occurs and, just like step 2, it is a choice. Repentance means turning away from that which was wrong. Like Step 2, above, this choice can only be accomplished with Jesus in our life.
   
   
4. Forgiveness (Part B): While the first step of forgiveness requires only the offended, and repentance only involves the offender, this step requires both the offended and offending parties. It is only after the heart issues are resolved in Steps 2 and 3 that the outward steps of the process of reconciliation can begin.
   
   In this step, the offended party (who is penitent because he has already repented in his heart in Step 3) directly asks forgiveness from the Offended (who has already forgiven the offender in his heart in Step 2). There are three outcomes of this step:
   
   
   • Outcome A: The Offender is sincere in his repentance and the Offended is sincere in his forgiveness: they can now both move to the next step. Yes!
     
     
   • Outcome B: The Offender is sincere in his repentance but the Offended is unforgiving. Unfortunately, there can be no reconciliation of relationship. In my opinion, the Offender is in a right relationship before God but the Offended is not. Bitterness will be the outcome for the Offended yet joy and freedom for the Offender.
     
     
   • Outcome C: The Offended is sincere in his forgiveness but the Offender is not sincere in his repentance. Alas, here, too, there can be no reconciliation of relationship. In my opinion, the Offended stands in right relationship before God but the Offender does not. While the Offended may have joy and freedom, the Offender may never even realize his wrongness or even care. The consequences in his life of his refusal and, perhaps, denial of wrongdoing will be born out in the consequences of human pride, arrogance, and a hardened heart.
     
     
   
   
   
5. Reconciliation: Hooray! The vast majority of fractures have ended without reconciliation because of some problem in steps two through four. But, Wow! Those who make it here have the great opportunity to walk in God's Word the way He intended for His children! When Step 4 successfully occurs, the end result is a reconciliation of relationship (this step).
   
   This, however, does not mean you are now best friends, restored, and completely trusting of each other. In fact, trust may never again be restored in certain situations to the degree it was before the fracture.
   
   For example, consider the case of incest or molestation: there may be repentance and reconciliation between both parties but that does not mean that the Offended (the molested) should now let the Offender (the molester) babysit his kids. There is a reconciliation but not a full regaining of what once was.
   
   
6. Restoration (trust): Through the process of time, sometimes years and decades, reconciliation allows for trust and restoration to grow between the Offended and the Offender. Much could be written on restoration but, using as an example my daughter, here is how these steps look practically:
   
   Certain behaviors of hers were wrong and she offended, hurt, and harmed us. We sent her away to a school for her to learn and change. While there, we forgave her and she repented. There was later a time where she said, in so many words, "I was wrong, I repent, please forgive me," and we said, "In our hearts we have already forgiven you; now we declare to you our forgiveness of you."
   
   At this point, we were all reconciled. However, our lovely daughter will have to demonstrate over a period of time that she is able to be trusted. That time and demonstration, in turn, will bring a restoration of relationship between us that was lost in the fractured relationship. We wish we could trust her now, but can't, and it is ok. We know that it is the process of restoration and that it will take time.
   
   

In closing, I recognize that this post has violated my own 5 B's of a good blog (Be Brief Baby, Be Brief); however, as I have thought about this post for over a year now, I realize that anything shorter would do me more harm than good (after all, I write these things mostly for myself--see my very first post).

If, however, you have any thoughts or comments, please do. This is an issue I feel I am still to working out in my life.

In Him--

--dtc--